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Life is Hilarious

Peace on That

Life: The Time That We're Given

Observation: This is something I wrote while riding home from work when I was in Chicago. Enjoy

So I’ve been thinking about life lately… which is something that is obviously due to the fact that I’m just around the corner from my forties. I try not to think of it, but sometimes I can’t help it. When I turned thirty, I thought, this isn’t so bad… I feel like I did when I was twenty-five. The day I turned thirty-five, I thought, this isn’t so bad… I feel like I did when I was thirty. Funny, how feeling like I did at thirty didn’t coincide with the fact that I didn’t feel like I felt when I was twenty-five. But that is a psychological analysis that I’ll leave for another day. Now, back to this thing called life.

It seems as though I’ve spent most of my life planning for tomorrow. Even after a goal is achieved, or not, there is another task at hand. So quickly do I brush aside the letdowns, the good times and the days of blah, and hurry my way to the next letdown, good time or average moment not worthy of recalling. Life, rushing by like the depreciation of a new car… once adored, but now relegated to menial tasks and traffic jams.

One day while riding the Metra home from work and fully engaged in a Dean Koontz novel, I had a revelation. I thought, what would be my reaction if I were to wake from a coma of six months with two broken legs, a broken spine and having conquered aliens from the planet Kosman 5 trying to control my subconscious and destroy my mind (You have to expect thoughts like this when reading a Koontz novel. Try to look past this disturbing thought and focus on the point I’m making). I would hope that my reaction is that no matter the prognosis, I would appreciate the fact that I am alive. And this is the gist of it.

We rarely truly appreciate the time we are given. How often do we take the time to enjoy a moment with friends, family and significant others? Often times, we are so busy planning and waiting, we don’t really live. As precious as life is, it is often taken for granted. Now, I recognize that sometimes the struggle can be so difficult that it is impossible to enjoy anything. We all have those moments. But those moments are as fleeting as any other. And that is what life is… a series of fleeting moments. Life is an ever changing, disappearing and reappearing of moments that offer something whether we choose to participate in them or not. Most of the time we choose not to participate. “I’ll do that when…” or “There will be plenty of time for that when…” That’s what we tell ourselves and it is so easy to do it because life goes by so slowly until you really start to pay attention to time.

I’ve come to appreciate time. I’ve come to embrace that there only a few things in life that go on indefinitely… God, the universe and spam email. Everything must come to an end and when it comes, it will be the very last moment to enjoy. So, until then folks, take a moment to enjoy yourself. Plan for tomorrow… but don’t be blind to today because the only thing you take time to look at is tomorrow. And for goodness sake, when you see the pale, illuminating lights in the forest is accompanied by a hypnotic pulse, turn away and run. That’s how the aliens from Kosman 5 enter your mind and will use you as a surrogate in its quest to take over the human race. But, that is just something I was thinking a moment ago… on to something else.

Me and My Girlfriend

Dear "The Dining Room Table,"

Me and my girlfriend are thinking about holding up banks to get some extra loot. A little like a "Bonnie and Clyde" thing. What do you think?

jaimie: After seeing "Bonnie and Clyde" (the movie), with the gorgeous, young Warren Beatty, I too had fantasies of meeting some sweet talking man, robbing banks together, and dying romantically and historically, along with television movies being made of us and books being written. Hollywood sure makes crime-committing so cool doesn't it?

Listen: BAD IDEA. Most likely, you won't get away with it. You'll end up either dead or in jail, and worst yet, separated from your lovely better half. You'll put your family through undue grief, and other people might get hurt in the ordeal.

GOOD IDEA: Why don't the two of you rent your favorite "stick 'em up" movies ("Bonnie and Clyde", "Set It Off", "Dead Presidents" just to name a few) and snuggle up together with a big bowl of buttered popcorn? After watching the movie, do some role playing. Buy some water guns and pretend to rob a bank. You can even set up a fake bank counter and use Monopoly money. The two of you can take turns being the "bad guy", or even more fun, use a blow-up doll to be the bank teller and you both rob her unassuming self.

Keep us posted about what you decide. Oh, and by the way, please don't rob Citibank 'cuz all of our loot is in there.

james: It is obvious that Jaimie and I have different ideas of what it means to die romantically. I see myself as a dirty old man, sitting on the front porch, face down in a stack of pancakes. When Jaimie opens the front door, she notices my demises and instantly dies of a broken heart - the jar breaking in the fall and spreading maple syrup across the porch and down the stairs. The neighbors find us, cold, sticky and covered with leaves and bees. That's romantic. But I digress.

If your finacial state is such that you are contemplating walking over to the dark side, then maybe you two could get jobs as strippers and pretend to be Bonnie & Clyde. It's an excellent theme and you can pretend to rob the patrons of their dollar bills. You'd make money, stay alive and might even rekindle a little romance in the process. Hopefully, we won't be reading about you in the papers.

By the way, I saw the movie Bonnie & Clyde - the ending wasn't pretty. You have two good ideas to run with. And that is much better than running from the law. Good Luck.

Putting Up With a Paralegal Parasite

Why are some men idiots? As a man, I realize my own tendency to grovel in the muck we call masculinity but I have my limits. Jaimie is using a paralegal to take care of some legal documents and this guy has proven himself an incompetent jerk. First, it takes him forever to follow through on things he knows needs his attention. Second, he piece-meals information so we never know exactly what is going on until it is crunch time. It got so bad that Jaimie got discouraged with dealing with him so asked me to communicate with him hoping that he’ll perform his job better if it were a man breathing down his neck. This did work, somewhat. But this isn’t my problem. My problem is that the guy keeps hitting on my girl. I’m baffled by this blatant disrespect and unprofessional act. She has told the gentleman (and I use that term – loosely) that she has a boyfriend several times. Now, after talking with me on the phone, you would think that the man would have the sense not to hit on my girl. Well, he doesn’t.

A couple of weeks ago he called and had her come sign some papers. On her way out of the door he ask, ‘so when are me and you going out?’. Naturally, Jaimie told him never but the nerve of this guy. Here I am being the cool brother trying to get some business taken care of and he’s making moves. Now, based on hood politics, I have the right to call him up and cuss, not curse, but cuss him out. I would venture to say that a combination of a right jab to the stomach and a left to the jaw is in order. But I’m grown now and I can’t resort to such violence. But I want to… badly. What I will do is put him and his company on blast. As soon as all of the paperwork is complete, I’m going to post his company’s name and tell the world just how despicable and unprofessional of a paralegal he his. The bastard.

Check Please.... Keeping That Woman in Line

I hear women say that they want a man that can "handle" them. I've even heard them say that they want a man that can check them when they get out of line. So I am wondering if women want a man or a father? Here is a question for the ladies, why can't you handle yourselves? This is the argument against dating nice guys. Why is that unless you bust a woman in the eye, she's not interested?

Sorry About That

Sorry about not posting. We're back and will try to bring the heat.

Shocking! Scandalous! He Doesn't Like Big Butts!

Dear "The Dining Room Table,"

I'm a pretty good looking guy and have dated a lot of beautiful women. Most of these women were skinny with very small frames. Also, most of the women were white, hispanic, or asian. Now, I am with a black woman. She is small too, but has a really big butt. I'm not really used to that. I am proud to be a black man, and for the first time I'm finding myself really attracted to black women-but I'm not used to the "big butt" thing yet. Am I crazy?

james said: I don’t mean to preach but…

My brother, many have gone astray and found themselves in the throws of a flat-bottom, ironing board backside woman. And not to say that there is anything wrong with a woman who lacks a certain puffiness in the rear, but there is nothing that compares to a woman having what many black men on the streets like to call… an onion booty… an apple bottom… a big ole butt. And now that you are no longer a part of the wayward flock that celebrate linear profile of no-back having woman, you must relearn to appreciate the booty. My suggestion to you is that you take possession of the butt at every opportunity and delve into it with reckless abandonment. A booty is something to behold… to be cherished… to be looked upon with great admiration.

I admonish you to go to your woman and take hold of her butt and know that what you feel in your hands could never be felt from a thin-railed, pencil-shaped, meatless-booty woman. And once you have gotten into the proper mindset about the booty, then follow the prophetic words of Bel Biv Devoe and "slap it, feel it, rub it down". And enjoy the bounty that has been beset upon your house. Good luck my brother… and welcome back.

jaimie: The theory goes something like this: black men like curvaceous women with big butts, white men like skinny women with big breasts, latino men like curvaceous women with beautiful legs, and asian men love a beautiful face. Sometimes, there is a glitch in the system and everything gets thrown off, and we have chaos and uproar (from women, mostly).

Marilyn Monroe, considered one of the sexist American women in history, was a reported size 14. During the 1950's and 1960's , when she was at her reign, men loved a white woman with a huge ass. Now, thanks to Paris Hilton and the newly grotesquely-skinny Lindsay Lohan (she was soooo cute before!), the whole idea of sexy and beautiful has changed. Alas, you too, dear sir, have become a victim.

But it's not too late for you. You have reached out for help, and we are here to help you. I must acknowledge that I myself have a body on the small scale, but as james so eloquently puts it, "You have a nice ass-to-waist ratio, jaimie." I am not quite sure what this prophetic statement completely entails, but in male language, I translate it to be "You got a nice ass, girl." james is quite thankful for my rear proportion, which is enlightening.

No, you are not crazy, just led astray momentarily. It seems that you have found a great girl with a fantastic body. Enjoy it. You will probably find yourself now admiring other women's bottoms, and your girlfriend may need to put a leash on you. You may even find yourself tempted to make comments to women on the street, acknowledging how round and full their bottoms are. Please refrain from such comments, but it is okay to silently recognize their beauty and move on.

Good luck to you and your girlfriend.

The Four Rules Every Women Should Know

james: A friend of mine, who I presume is out of his mind, has four rules for women. His feeling was that men would be a lot happier – and in return, make women a lot happier if they followed his four simple rules. When he first mentioned this idea, I was intrigued. After all, I’ve seen all the books on what men should do to make their women happier. And then there are the dating rules for women and a host of others that prescribe to help deal with the difficulties that men bring to their lives.

“So, hit me with these rules.” I said. Well, he did and as amusing as they were, I found little value in them. In my opinion, his rules were a recipe on how to dismantle your relationship in one day. But, I thought about it some more and wondered; what would the world be like if women were to follow his four little rules?

Well, lets take a look at them.

Rule #1: Be seen and not heard. How many men out there have wish their women would walk around in a sexy outfit while the game is on and not say a word until there are only zeros on the clock? Prince sang in “If I Were Your Girlfriend”, ‘together we will stare into silence and try to imagine what it looks like.’ We’d surely find out with the implementation of this rule.

Rule #2: Speak when spoken to: There are a lot of arguments that would have never taken place if women were to abide by this rule. Women may not know this, or maybe they do and don’t care, but men do roll their eyes. Never in front of you, but know when you bring up a subject that he is not in the mood to discuss, his eyes are rolling in his mind. With this rule, men could use those brain cells for thoughts about upcoming draft picks or draft beer.

Rule #3: Come when called: Rarely does it happen, but think of all the times you tried to get your point across and your woman walked away. Well, this rule in combination with Rule #1 would go a long way in our ability to get finally the last word in an argument. I’m still a little suspect on this rule. It seems like one that can backfire real fast..

Rule #4: Go when sent: Ask anyone that has been in an accident and they will tell you that it happened in slow motion. Well, the same thing occurs when arguing with a woman. We can see things deteriorate but we have no choice but to deal with the inevitable… crash! Well, that would go away with this rule. Just before the avalanche hit we could send it in another direction and return to the environment set by Rule#1.

Conclusion: I would never, ever, never-ever, never-ever-never attempt any of these rules from the Jurassic era. But I’m just asking… what if?

Tell That Man To Get A Job!!!

Topic of Discussion: Let's say your husband lost his job and decides to go the entrepreneur route. Just how patient would you be with his unemployment status while he builds his business?

james: I have a friend. Let's call him Henry. Henry is starting his own company and spends most of his day hustling up business. Now, he’s been hustling for several years and his girl is quite petered with his lack of income. We talk, and he tells me how his status has dropped a couple of notches in the home. Here is just one of the many barbs his girlfriend has thrown his way over the past year: "You can decide what I make for dinner when you decide to buy some groceries. Oh, that's right...you ain't got no job." At what point do you look at the man, raise your hands and say... "ENOUGH"? Please share your thoughts.